yeahh monologue!!! this is it, the one i have to learn for mels directing piece. all 800 and something words of it. GAY.
Mrs Arbuthnot:
I do not know it. I do not feel it, nor will I ever stand before God’s altar and ask God’s blessing on so hideous a mockery as a marriage between me and George Harford. I will not say the words the church bids us to say. I will not say them. I dare not. How could I swear to love the man I loathe, to honour him who wrought you dishonour, to obey him who, in his mastery, made me to sin?
No; marriage is a sacrament for those who love each other. It is not for such as him, or such as me. Gerald, to save you from the world’s sneers and taunts I have lied to the world. For twenty years I have lied to the world. I could not tell the world the truth. Who can, ever? But not for my own sake will I lie to God, and in God’s presence. No, Gerald, no ceremony, church-hallowed or state-made, shall ever bind me to George Harford. It may be that I am bound to him already, who, robbing me, yet left me richer, so that in the mire of my life I found the pearl or price, or what I thought would be so.
Men don’t understand what mothers are. I am no different from any other woman except in the wrong done me and the wrong I did, and my very heavy punishments and great disgrace. And yet, to bear you I had to look on death. To nurture you I had to wrestle with it. Death fought with me for you. All women have to fight with death to keep their children. Death, being childless, wants our children from us. Gerald, when you were naked I clothed you, when you were hungry I gave you food. Night and day all that long winter I tended you. No office is too mean, no care too lowly for the thing we women love – and oh! How I loved you. Not Hannah, Samuel more. And you needed love, for you were weakly, and only love could have kept you alive. Only love can keep anyone alive. And boys are careless often, and without thinking give pain, and we always fancy that when they come to a man’s estate and know us better they will repay us. But it is not so. The world draws them from our side, and they make friends with whom they are happier with than with us, and have amusments from which we are barred, and interests that are not ours; and they are unjust to us often, for when they find life is bitter they blame us for it, and when they find it sweet we do not taste its sweetness with them… you made many friends and went into their houses and were glad with them, and I, knowing my secret, did not dare to follow but stayed at home and closed the door, shut out the sun and sat in darkness. What should I have done in honest households? My past was ever with me… and you thought I didn’t care for the pleasant things in life. I tell you I longed for them, but did not dare to touch them, feeling I had no right. You thought I was happier working amongst the poor. That was my mission, you imagined. It was not, but where else was I to go? The sick do not ask if the hand that smooths their pillow is pure, nor the dying care if the lips that touch their brow have known the kiss of sin. It was you I thought of all the time; I gave to them the love you did not need; lavished on them a love that was not theirs… and you thought I spent too much time in going to church, and church duties. But where else could I turn? God’s house is the only house where sinners are made welcome, and you were always in my heart, Gerald, too much in my heart. For, thought day after day, at morn or evensong, I have knelt in God’s house, I have never repented of my sin. How could I repent of my sin when you, my love, were its fruit. Even now that you are bitter to me I cannot repent. I do not. You are more to me than innocence. I would rather be your mother than – oh! Much rather! – than have been always pure… oh, don’t you see? Don’t you understand? It is my dishonour that has made you so dear to me. It is my disgrace that has bound you so closely to me. It is the price I paid for you – the price of soul and body – that makes me love you as I do. Oh don’t ask me to do this horrible thing. Child of my shame, be still the child of my shame!
EmLah at 4:38 pm
Mrs Arbuthnot:
I do not know it. I do not feel it, nor will I ever stand before God’s altar and ask God’s blessing on so hideous a mockery as a marriage between me and George Harford. I will not say the words the church bids us to say. I will not say them. I dare not. How could I swear to love the man I loathe, to honour him who wrought you dishonour, to obey him who, in his mastery, made me to sin?
No; marriage is a sacrament for those who love each other. It is not for such as him, or such as me. Gerald, to save you from the world’s sneers and taunts I have lied to the world. For twenty years I have lied to the world. I could not tell the world the truth. Who can, ever? But not for my own sake will I lie to God, and in God’s presence. No, Gerald, no ceremony, church-hallowed or state-made, shall ever bind me to George Harford. It may be that I am bound to him already, who, robbing me, yet left me richer, so that in the mire of my life I found the pearl or price, or what I thought would be so.
Men don’t understand what mothers are. I am no different from any other woman except in the wrong done me and the wrong I did, and my very heavy punishments and great disgrace. And yet, to bear you I had to look on death. To nurture you I had to wrestle with it. Death fought with me for you. All women have to fight with death to keep their children. Death, being childless, wants our children from us. Gerald, when you were naked I clothed you, when you were hungry I gave you food. Night and day all that long winter I tended you. No office is too mean, no care too lowly for the thing we women love – and oh! How I loved you. Not Hannah, Samuel more. And you needed love, for you were weakly, and only love could have kept you alive. Only love can keep anyone alive. And boys are careless often, and without thinking give pain, and we always fancy that when they come to a man’s estate and know us better they will repay us. But it is not so. The world draws them from our side, and they make friends with whom they are happier with than with us, and have amusments from which we are barred, and interests that are not ours; and they are unjust to us often, for when they find life is bitter they blame us for it, and when they find it sweet we do not taste its sweetness with them… you made many friends and went into their houses and were glad with them, and I, knowing my secret, did not dare to follow but stayed at home and closed the door, shut out the sun and sat in darkness. What should I have done in honest households? My past was ever with me… and you thought I didn’t care for the pleasant things in life. I tell you I longed for them, but did not dare to touch them, feeling I had no right. You thought I was happier working amongst the poor. That was my mission, you imagined. It was not, but where else was I to go? The sick do not ask if the hand that smooths their pillow is pure, nor the dying care if the lips that touch their brow have known the kiss of sin. It was you I thought of all the time; I gave to them the love you did not need; lavished on them a love that was not theirs… and you thought I spent too much time in going to church, and church duties. But where else could I turn? God’s house is the only house where sinners are made welcome, and you were always in my heart, Gerald, too much in my heart. For, thought day after day, at morn or evensong, I have knelt in God’s house, I have never repented of my sin. How could I repent of my sin when you, my love, were its fruit. Even now that you are bitter to me I cannot repent. I do not. You are more to me than innocence. I would rather be your mother than – oh! Much rather! – than have been always pure… oh, don’t you see? Don’t you understand? It is my dishonour that has made you so dear to me. It is my disgrace that has bound you so closely to me. It is the price I paid for you – the price of soul and body – that makes me love you as I do. Oh don’t ask me to do this horrible thing. Child of my shame, be still the child of my shame!
EmLah at 4:38 pm
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